When anxious, uneasy and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea, and the sea
drowns them out with its great wide sounds, cleanses me with its noise and
imposes a rhythm upon everything in me that is bewildered and confused.
– Rainer Maria Rilke
I don’t know what’s up lately, but I have this story which has been floating around my head for a couple months now and I think I need to write it if I’m ever to get rid of it. The problem? I’m afraid. Writing a blog, or an e-mail, or a tweet, or a post on FB is one thing, but to write an entire story?! What am I thinking? Am I thinking?
I KNOW I will have plenty of nay-sayers, but I also know I’ll have those who will encourage me and give me feedback-honestly. It is just getting that first sentence down, which I’ve already done on a writer/book webpage I frequent. I didn’t ‘win’ for best first line, but I was in the top 10, which encourages me like nothing else. When I saw the line I wrote up there, I got this thrill like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It was if the God/esses were giving me a sign, telling me to go for it! Throw away my fears. If it were just that easy.
I’ve always been encouraged to write, unbelievably, by many people I respect, I’ve just never really done it. If anything I’ve run as far away from writing as is possible. I stayed away for any sort of writing class when I was in high school, and during college courses, I only took the writing classes I HAD to take, and I did well in them once I wrote my way instead of writing the way I was being taught. It was a very hard lesson to learn and also an unexpected one to myself and my professor. But once we figured it out, I soared through the class. But the question now is, can I soar through the thoughts, the story in my head and make it into something others would enjoy reading? Can I make people FEEL what I’m trying to convey in words? Guess I’ll never know til I try. This is basically my own introduction and kick in the pants to “JUST DO IT” already! So, if you don’t see me around for a while, it’s because I’m going to be writing. Wish me luck!
OMG I can’t believe it! I signed up for this when I first got my notice from msn about the ‘live spaces’ closing, but of course, I forgot my user name/password so I couldn’t even sign in! DUH! You know, 2 years ago I would never have forgotten either thing, but now that I’m 5-11 (ugh), I lucky to remember my real name, nevermind something I made up 11+ years ago when I first joined this wonderful world of the internet. Now hopefully I can post to a couple of other peoples WordPress, cause I haven’t been able too so far! On my way now…wish me luck!
I’ve spent part of the last couple of days with a very good friend, one I haven’t seen or talked to in too long. So you ask, "how can she be that good of a friend if you haven’t seen or spoken to her in that long?" Good question. Let me try to explain it.
First of all, I don’t have to see or speak to the people I care about on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis to care about them. Nor do I need to see them. To be friends doesn’t mean sitting on top of each other, but it does mean caring for the other person….and care I can do!
Secondly, stupid me lost her phone number. I had a phone number written down in my address book and in my stolen phone, but it had been disconnected. I knew she had given me her cell number, but I didn’t add it to my phone when she did, I kept it, next to me, on my table. Luckily that’s just where I found it too! And because of that, I was able to call her before Christmas. Even luckier for me, she talked to me. Needless to say, we had a lot to catch up on, and then some.
Thirdly, after being with her the past couple of days I’ve realized just how bloody much I’ve missed her. I missed hearing her laugh and just talking to her. I’ve realized how much I need her to be present, on a regular basis, no matter how far apart we live, in my life.
But by far the most important thing I’ve learned is that she still cares about me and what’s going on in my life. I know I didn’t talk very much while we were together, but I’ll make it up to her…I PROMISE! I know why I didn’t talk much and why I haven’t called her or written her..I’ve changed, a lot. These past few years have changed me in ways I hadn’t even seen, until I looked at myself through her eyes. I’m not sure I like myself very much as the person I am, and I think I was afraid she wouldn’t like the me I am now either. But real honest to goodness friends, like you pretty much no matter what. Maybe being around her, talking to her will help some of the old me come back out. Or maybe it won’t, but I know to her it doesn’t matter…she’ll figure out how to get through to this new me and make me even better than I am or thought I could be. Because that’s what real friends do, they bring out the best in you. Whether you talk to them or see them everyday, or whether it’s once a month or even once a year. Heck, I even have one best friend I’ve never been on the same room with physically, but it doesn’t matter. Because she makes me a better person also. But this blog isn’t about her, it’s about another friend, a very special friend, a friend that I’ll have for life and beyond.
Thank you, my friend, and thank you God for bringing her back into my life.
Tonight I went to the pizza place for a sandwich. When I went in I was on my phone. I THOUGHT I threw it in my purse when I was getting my money out…but alas, it wasn’t so. After searching like crazy at home for it I went back to the pizza place. they hadn’t seen it either. I went BACK home, seasrched somemore, nothing. Finally we decided to call it and see if I could locate it that way. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm weird, it went straight to voicemail. My phone doesn’t go straight to voicemail unless it is turned off and my phone is very seldom "turned off"! Went back to pizza place, nope, they still hadn’t seen it. Asked the kids there to call it since when I call from hubby’s phone it says "hubby’s phone", figured if someone else had it they sure as heck wouldn’t answer it if that came up. No luck though, even the kids at the pizza place got a recording. I just got that phone this past Monday!! Some punk of a kid came into the pizza place, saw my phone and nicked it. But that’s ok, since I have ALL my paperwork for it, it’s now shut off and not just any SIM card will work in it….hahaha. I also got insurance, thank goodness!! I’m notorious for losing things, I should say "misplacing", because I always find them, but this time I just know it was stolen. It will NEVER happen again, believe me!
The worst part of the entire ordeal is not only have I lost my phone, but I"ve lost all the names, numbers, e-mail addresses and pictures I had on it. I can get all the pictures back, except for the last 4 I took today of my grandson, Craig Stephen, making Christmas cookies for the very first time. Also, it’s going to be such a pain in my arse to add ALL that info into another phone. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Needless to say, I am NOT a happy camper tonight!!
I’ve come to realize….first of all I must admit that I’ve stolen this from someone else’s blog. At least the "I’ve come to realize" part. Reading what she wrote almost a year ago has made me consider a few things myself. And as I am daily getting closer to the dreaded 5-0 I think I’ve lived enough to "realize" some pretty important things. Not that I think anyone really cares what I’ve come to realize, but I care and I’m actually the only one that matters. So here’s my list.
1. I’ve come to realize that really, no one elses’ opinion matters except my own. I may ask you what you think about something, anything from my outfit to my hair color to who you are planning on voting for and maybe I’ll even ask you why you feel the way you do. But, in the long run, the only person I need to impress is myself. And if I"m happy, that’s all that matters.
2.I’ve come to realize that you can’t can’t count on ANYTHING turning out the way you’ve planned/hoped/wished. It just isn’t going to happen.
3.I’ve come to realize that once your children reach a certain age, you just can’t play the "Mom card" any longer. It just doesn’t work…of course, guilt still works.
4. I’ve come to realize that my grandchildren are my life these days. If I go more than two or three days without seeing them, I’m lonely. If, as happens more often than not, I don’t see them for a week or better, I feel empty.
5. I’ve come to realize I will ALWAYS be the oldest child with all the responsibilities that entails. Why this is so when all my siblings are adults also is beyond me, I just know that this is how it is and I’ve basically accepted it. I don’t like it, but I’ve accepted it.
6.I’ve come to realize that a real marriage is based on trust and without it, you shouldn’t stay married.
7. I’ve come to realize that I trust my husband, totally and completely to not just love me, but to care for me (even when I’m being grumpy and just want to be left alone), to trust me, and to always come home…to me.
8. I’ve come to realize that you can’t change anyone. You can show them different ways to do things, but they are the ones that have to want to change.
9.I’ve come to realize that if I have the money for something I really want, I should get it and not worry about the other things. They will ALWAYS take care of themselves, the "want" list can only be taken care by me.
10. I’ve come to realize that I am a very strong and independant woman. I don’t need anyone’s approval (not that I don’t appreciate it from time to time), I don’t need to make anyone happy except myself, and I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.